Reasons to be thankful.

The operation (pace maker) for my grandfather's heart has finally taken hold. He will probably regain much of strength and fortitude. As for his memory of me? Of my face? I don't know. But I still love the old guy. In the face of the bleak and sad thing that is Gavin's death there is one small glimmer. It is that I get to let him go. I get to go to the gathering where others are saying goodbye and let him move on. I never did that with Jerry, and now he gets free rent in my head. Not that I would ever take back one of our chats outside the doors of Del Oro for anything. I get to go make coffee for a bunch of people I love today, and do it really well, and feel appreciated. How about that? Pretty good. I have had the opportunity to be with such quality partners in my life that I would spend time missing and lamenting their absence. Thanks Shaya, Thanks Kim. I guess another reason to find thanks is that Bill Kiley is releasing more tunes: http://billkiley.bandcamp.com/

In my head I imagine that when you don't want to talk to me it is because there is something wrong with me. Or because you actually want to leave me and are scared to do it. Or that you you are stalling to have a conversation where you can politely say goodbye rather than do it in an email or over the phone. But what I know is that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am lovable, despite my fears that perhaps I am not. I also know that you are not the type of person who would let their fear make their decision for them. And because of our exchanges earlier I think you know that if it were over between us, I would prefer to know by text as soon as you made the decision. So where does that leave us? It leaves you healing from some hurt left on you by two previous awful lovers and a toxic male boss who put poison in your mind. And it leaves me longing to hold you, help you, and just be with you. They say the average time to get over a life change is about three months. I hope I don't have three months ahead of me.

I wait but I am not patient like I wish I could be. I have never been stoic. If you were to know that my thoughts have been haunted by you these past days would you turn away? I feel the temptation to harden my heart, and turn all of my feelings into anger, something to protect myself from grief with, but if you are to return to me open armed I can not hope to ever embrace you again with a stone cold face. Yet is it sex alone for you? If so, I can make it that. But, often, there is no coming back. For now it us an us thing.

Time to tell you the truth

I am giving you what you need at the cost of starving myself. I need you now, and I can't ask. I just have to carturize my reliance on others.

I need

I am giving you space at the.cost of us.